Tags: gijoe


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Shortpacked!: I'm tempted to keep his hair like that.


So a while back I talked about how The Fallen is a "multiversal singularity," meaning that every single The Fallen in every single Transformers story he appears is actually the same individual, regardless of continuity.  Well, I asked about that in the most recent Hasbro Q&A, for the Transformers Wiki.  

And it got answered.

It got answered gloriously.

If you want to see a triumphant application of Grade-A bullshitting, read the response to Question 3.


Finally saw the movie this evening!  Holy crap, that was a really fun movie.  Dumb in places, cheerfully cheesy, but really fun.  It's great to watch movies where you can tell the actors are having a blast with it.  I heartily recommend it!  You won't even have to turn off your brain as much as you had to for Revenge of the Fallen.  Hell, you'll probably enjoy it more than ROTF, despite the lack of giant battling robots.  Lord knows I did.  And that's no small feat.


Today I examined an early sculpt of the Amber statue for corrections.  This shit is happening. 

Swimming and being sarcastic are other half of the battle.

Shortpacked!: A tiff!

I decided I wanted a movie Shipwreck in addition to my movie Destro.  Shipwreck's a good second behind Destro in my Joe Love Hierarchy, which is why I have both of their Sigma Six figures in a bin somewhere and nobody else's.  I got really attached to Shipwreck from watching the cartoon, and that attachment has stuck.  He's, what, basically Jack Nicholson in a sailor outfit?  I think so.  

(I can't believe that in the cartoon, Shipwreck was just this amicable guy they found in a Cobra bar.  The cartoon Joes pick up new members everywhere.  They even carry around spare specialty-themed uniforms in case they run into potential recruits.  I'm looking at you, Scoop.)

Despite the pull of nostalgia and camp, I do really like Shipwreck's new less-gay look.  And the live-action film version of it looks really nice.  The face-sculpt is detailed and friendly, and the slate gray camo pants are a nice touch.  It's an excellent transition to the life-action universe style.  And, hey, he comes with Polly!  A new Polly!

And, hey, he's not pinheaded or anything.  He's not a Peanuts character, either.  It's a good proportional balance.

Shipwreck also comes with way more stuff than he can possibly carry.  I am mystified why he doesn't have holsters or pockets for his small pistol and his knife.  That seems to be fairly standard these days, so the lack of this kind of functionality surprises me.  He also comes with a bigger, sci-fy-y gun (syfyy?), the requisite gigantic missile-launcher, and some scuba gear.  The scuba stuff includes a backpack (which is where Polly mounts), two flippers, and a scuba mask.  The scuba mask pegs into holes on the backpack behind either side of Shipwreck's neck, and the flippers can store on other pegs on the bottom of the backpack.  

Seriously, he's got a lot of stuff.  And he looks very nice, so I recommend him, especially if you dig Shipwreck. 

No arm-mounted flammables? Shrewd, movie Destro, shrewd!

Shortpacked!@TNI: Different orders of magnitude.
Shortpacked!: Everyone has a new friend.

Hey, did you know they're doing some G.I. Joe movie too, this year?  It's not just Transformers?  Yeah, I know!  

Hasbro decided to move up the street date for the G.I. Joe movie figures to Monday, July 6, because (as I understand it) stores were breakin' street date on it anyway.  And sure enough, a local Target had some.  And by "some," I mean "a metric buttload."  The first offering of single-packed Joes for the movie seems to be about four waves' worth.  There are oodles of dudes.  Oodles.

Luckily for me, I'm really only after one.  And, of course, it's Destro.  But I wasn't after this Destro for any sort of Destro completism momentum.  Heck, I've managed to pass on the Combat Heroes movie Destro a few times now.  No, I view him genuinely as a super-awesome Destro.  Look at him.  He wears a NECKTIE.  He wears a tie with a normal blue dress shirt, under an overcoat.  He's like Tastefully Dressed Business Formal Destro.  There's no jumpsuit with bare chest or medallion.  This Destro has some self respect. 

He may be my favorite Destro.  C'mon, he wears a tie!  A tie!

As befitting a weapons industrialist chieftan, he comes loaded with firearms.  A small black pistol fits into a holster slung over his chest.  A second gun splits in two, possibly becoming separate weapons.  This and the third gun have tiny pegs on them which correspond to tiny pegholes on each hip.  They can be mounted there, no problem, which is cool.  And necessary, because the final gun, a working missile-firing launcher, is as about as big as a horse.  Seriously, it's as long as the bubble he's carded in.  It shoots strong, like an Attactix missile.  And, wow, he can barely hold it.  It is a seriously dangerous missile launcher.  He could probably do as much damage firing it as using it to bludgeon people with.  

All the single-packed Joes seem to come with a missile launcher, so that must be a thing.  Another thing is the new-sculpt figure stand.  They look like dogtags now, and on the bottom is sculpted either a Cobra logo or the movie Joe symbol.  There's a hole at the end of the dogtag, what with it being a dogtag, so it's possible you could use it as a keychain thinger or something. 

Anyway, this Destro is seriously great.  If you're worried about spoilers, though, uh, avoid reading the back.  I may have made a mistake.  I just wanted to see if it says he wears the mask because he's part of the Destro clan!  Oh well.  



Joyce and Walky!: But I'm not bitter!

One of the neatest things about Canadian Joe Convention was their speed-painting competition.  It really sounded neat, but I was hesitant to leave my table.  But after some prodding, I joined one of the two tables in the lobby.  

See, in a G.I. Joe speed painting competition, you have one hour to complete a custom G.I. Joe.  You reach your hand blindly into a box full of "frankensteined" Joe figures and pull a random figure out.  ("Frankensteined" means it's a Joe with random parts.  Random torso, random arms, random legs, random head, and random accessories, assembled to form a new guy.)  This guy is going to be your painting experiment.  You have 45 minutes to make him look presentable.  And it'll be rough!  He's all random colors, since he's all random parts.  His pantlegs don't match his pantcrotch.  His shirt sleeves don't match his shirt torso.  

Oh, and mine had a completely unpainted head.  It was all black!

After the 45 minutes are up, you have 15 minutes to let the paint dry.  During that fifteen minutes, you must give the guy a name and write him a filecard.  I gotta tell ya, 15 minutes is not long enough for this paint to dry.  Stuff I'd painted at the BEGINNING of the contest was still sticky at hour's end!  Man, that was some ornery paint they gave us.

Speaking of paint, your options there are limited, too.  They give you one small squirt of black, and you gotta share it with the other folks.  An assortment of other colors in paint tubes is supplied, but that's also just the luck of the draw. 

All the limitations just made the competition more fun.  Yay, challenge!

We were split up across two tables, and the themes present between them were pretty interesting.  The other table seemed to focus on more tasteful, subdued colors.  Mostly grays.  Our table was the 1990s G.I. Joe table!  Orange and yellows abounded!  Oh, and the guy across me got a dog, which he painted in patches of clashing colors.  I hope that guy's all right.  

I, of course, finished with nothing remotely close to winning-worthy.  I don't know who won, but it was probably one of the folks from the other table.  They had some nice figures at the end.  Mine was all blotchy and rushed-looking.  I am a terrible painter.  I am proud of the orange safety cap I gave his gun, though.  Oh, and the Civil War mustache.  Hee hee hee.

I have a few toys from the convention exclusive box set up for auction!  Three days left!

He wins because he's dumb!

Shortpacked!: Potty time!

Woof!  I was all set for watching the hour-long finale of Scrubs tonight, but at the comic book store this afternoon, they gave us free passes to an early showing of Star Trek.  Dammit! 

So at some point in time today, the real David Willis, who loves Scrubs more than his own peepee but is apathetic about Star Trek had been replaced by an imposter.  An imposter who went to see Star Trek instead of the Scrubs finale.  I don't understand.  Well, I do.  It's called Tivo, but it still seems like a very un-me move.

So anyway, we got home from it an hour ago, I crammed in some Scrubs, and I was left with about ten minutes to take photos and write a blog post and... oh right, I wanted to put an auction up.  Dammit! 

Give me a moment here.

Ahh, there we go.  To the left are Back-Stop and Chacal Noir!  (Chacal Noir apparently means "Black Jackal.")

I have them, their stickers and accessories and filecards, and Back-Stop's vehicle, the Dead Eye, up for auction!

Back-Stop is the bestest Canadian G.I. Joe there is. Or maybe the only one. Either way, dude loves his donuts and hockey. He's mostly Serpentor parts, which is kind of weird and neat at the same time. Chacal Noir is the frumpy dude to the right with Serpentor's head but mostly he's Steeler parts. Filecard says: "His main advantage is his complete ignorance of the odds against him at any given time." His superpower is ignorance! That's pretty fun. He wins because he doesn't know he can lose!  His bio card was written by LARRY HAMA. I hear that if I type that name in all caps, G.I. Joe fans will pay attention. Let's try that again. LARRY HAMA. Phew! It's like yelling "boobies" in an all-boys camp.

These guys were super-limited to just 100 pieces.  It's too bad, because while I really wanted that chrome HISS, I think the other dudes may find homes that appreciate them better.  So up they go!  Please enjoy.  

I want to see a chromed AWE Striker named L.O.V.E.

Shortpacked!: There's no where to hide.

So I totally got myself the Canadian G.I. Joe Convention toy set, which includes the H.A.T.E. tank.  I had to have it, once I realized it would go perfectly with Pimp Daddy Destro.  The HATE (HISS Armored Tank Elite) came in a boxed set (similar to BotCon toy sets, with the die-cut foam insert) with three guys and a second vehicle.  One of the three guys was the HATE driver, who seems to be a simple emblackened 25th Anniversary HISS tank driver.  

Like the rest of Joe Canuck's history of characters, the HATE and its driver are explicitely Canadian-themed.  The HATE itself was created from a secret experimental Canadian Cobra program, and the driver's filecard mentions that all of the HATEs' drivers must absolutely positively be Canadian.  If they ever left the country for more than a month, they'd be removed from the program!  Woof.  Strict! 

And so our blinged-out HISS tank has a fun little Canadian Cobra logo on it: the Cobra logo superimposed over a maple leaf.  (It's not super big in the photo to the left, but it's the rear-most red circle.) 

The HATE is definitely as super-chromed as advertised.  Shiny!  Though I have to say, the chromed seatback inside the cockpit looks really friggin' uncomfortable.  The rest of the interior, with the field of chromed buttons, dials, and other controls, reminds me of the inside of the spaceship from Flight of the Navigator.  I guess the seats of FotN's spaceship were chromed too, so there is at least some precedent.  

Unlike the FotN spaceship, it remains to be seen if the HATE's radio can play "I Get Around" by the very American Beach Boys.  That might be a violation of its Canadian nationalism.

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Shortpacked!@TNI: Ripped from last week's headlines!
Shortpacked!:  Lessons learned from Spotlight: Jazz.

Man, I was really tempted to just plow through with more story this week.  Friday's strip resulted in traffic bonanza (scroll down), and the businessman in me wanted to milk it.  But, no, this was my planned resting point.  In the future I will remember, though, that doing some relationship dramedy did not make any of the sky fall, and instead gave me some remarkably consistent traffic stats.  Mwa ha ha ha ha. 

The Canadian G.I. Joe Convention was pretty damn fun!  It's pretty lively, for a smaller-than-BotCon affair, and both the staff and the attendees seemed pretty dedicated to having a good time.  And everyone, both staff and attendee, gave their unsolicited condolences for our dear departed hamster.  Canadians are polite and sweet!  If you like G.I. Joes and live near Toronto, it's a good way to blow a Saturday.  

(Plus, their Speed Painting contest was really awesome, but I'll get to that in more detail on a later day.)

To the left is some art I drew at the convention, commissioned by a fellow named John.  John is best known as "That Guy Who Wins All the Raffle Prizes."  He wanted to see "my take" on a Joe/Transformers crossover, and this is what he received.  

We drove back through Niagra Falls on our way home, and I gotta tell you, that place is a quagmire.  The signs deliberately lead you in circles.  To simply leave its Las Vegas-y claptrap, I had to ignore the signs and play it by visuals.  (I have never seen so many buffets in all my life.)

You may be asking, regarding the TNI strip, why Shattered Glass Ravage?  Shouldn't that be a crocodile, like Skullcruncher?  No!  Because I was stupid.  Instead, I had SG Ravage on the brain because while I was gone, the Shattered Glass text story, "Eye in the Sky," was released. Our favorite Twitter-using kitty makes his fictional debut therein.  Writers Greg Sepelak and Trent Troop went a more LOLCATS route with him, versus the "hypermanic teenager" portrayal I'd conceived, but the basics are still there.   He still microblogs and likes to wave.  It's a fun story, so if you're a Transformers Collectors' Club member, please check it out.


Look out behind you!

Shortpacked!: In which I order my comics for maximum assholiness.

You may have heard that I'm going to be in Hamilton, Ontario, this weekend for the Canadian G.I. Joe Convention!  On the radio!  Yeah, I'm apparently a selling point.  On the radio.  That is all kinds of weird!

(I wonder if that affects my Wikipedia Notability...)

In preparation for the weekend, I threw together some G.I. Joe-themed art to offer at my table.  That's right, it's Robo-J.O.E. versus Destro!  Star Brigade-style!  What else would I depict?  Seriously, it's me.  I've got them all printed out and ready to go, along with some of the Snkrs prints that need to be in the mail tomorrow.  

Where is my 25th Anniversary Robo-J.O.E.?

I'm waiting.

Including the H.A.T.E. tank, apparently.

Joyce & Walky!: Dino hat!

It's just one more week until Canadian G.I. Joe Convention!  I'm going to be there!  At a table!  With things!  You should come see me.  Hamilton, Ontario, is not far from the U.S. border, so if you're up in the northeastern United States, it's not a bad drive.

Oh, and they have toy exclusives!  Check them out.

A little over a year ago, I tried to recreate Pretender Bumblebee's character model based on his toy commercial appearances.  Well, we don't have to guess anymore!  Detour "Detour" Jones somehow found the original character models for Pretender Bumblebee and Jazz, and they're up on the Transformers Wiki now.  Holy crap, dudes, I am beside myself.  These were my Holy Grails.  

He still hasn't said how he found them.  I'm guessing an unfortunate strip poker incident involving Korean animators.

Serpentor's mortal enemy!

Shortpacked!: It's not worth mentioning because he honestly can't remember.


So while G.I. Joe: Resolute is doing its darnedest to bury the franchise's goofy past, I've totally dug me up a Sergeant Slaughter.  Officially licensed, even!

...by Jakks Pacific.

See, Jakks has had the WWE license for super-forever, so the chances of Hasbro ever getting to do a G.I. Joe Sergeant Slaughter weren't very good.  Well, thank Cheese for rising oil prices, 'cuz the 3-3/4" scale is back everywhere, baby!  Even in wrestling.  And that means...

That's right!  Everyone can own G.I. Joe's very own Marty Stu.  Everyone loves him!  When he's not in a room, they ask, "Where is Sergeant Slaughter?"   He can take on an entire Cobra BAT battalion single-handed with nothing more than fists and a mustache.  General Hawk asks Sergeant Slaughter to train his Joes because compared to him, they suck!  He is literally this generation's Sun Tzu, a military strategist with no modern equal.  He's so awesome even Cobra wants his DNA!

(I don't exaggerate.  I have just summarized the multipart episode "Arise, Serpentor, Arise!")

Jakks Pacific makes a pretty damn good Sergeant Slaughter.  He's a little short (because modern Joes are kinda big), but that's seriously the only thing wrong with him.  His likeness is great, down to the "Cobra makes my butt boil!" sneer.  He's just as articulated as modern Joes, too, but his articulation is more like Marvel Legends.  He's got the mid-torso hinge, the jointed spheres at the shoulders and hips, and the hinged wrists.  And the brim of his hat is bendy!  His elbow joints are a little shallow, but I have a feeling the real Sergeant Slaughter wasn't so great at bending his elbow much either.  Look at those friggin' guns, man. 

Speaking of guns, he doesn't come with any, of course.  He's a wrestler!  He is packaged only with parts of a build-a-set wrestling ring.  It's okay, because Sergeant Slaughter is all about bludgeoning you with his bare meaty fists. 

In the end, maybe they were right about Slaughter being a Sun Tzu-level genius.  What more strategy do you need than jumping chin-first into the enemy with only sheer guts and a growl?  And that's a fact.