April 22nd, 2009


Serpentor's mortal enemy!

Shortpacked!: It's not worth mentioning because he honestly can't remember.


So while G.I. Joe: Resolute is doing its darnedest to bury the franchise's goofy past, I've totally dug me up a Sergeant Slaughter.  Officially licensed, even!

...by Jakks Pacific.

See, Jakks has had the WWE license for super-forever, so the chances of Hasbro ever getting to do a G.I. Joe Sergeant Slaughter weren't very good.  Well, thank Cheese for rising oil prices, 'cuz the 3-3/4" scale is back everywhere, baby!  Even in wrestling.  And that means...

That's right!  Everyone can own G.I. Joe's very own Marty Stu.  Everyone loves him!  When he's not in a room, they ask, "Where is Sergeant Slaughter?"   He can take on an entire Cobra BAT battalion single-handed with nothing more than fists and a mustache.  General Hawk asks Sergeant Slaughter to train his Joes because compared to him, they suck!  He is literally this generation's Sun Tzu, a military strategist with no modern equal.  He's so awesome even Cobra wants his DNA!

(I don't exaggerate.  I have just summarized the multipart episode "Arise, Serpentor, Arise!")

Jakks Pacific makes a pretty damn good Sergeant Slaughter.  He's a little short (because modern Joes are kinda big), but that's seriously the only thing wrong with him.  His likeness is great, down to the "Cobra makes my butt boil!" sneer.  He's just as articulated as modern Joes, too, but his articulation is more like Marvel Legends.  He's got the mid-torso hinge, the jointed spheres at the shoulders and hips, and the hinged wrists.  And the brim of his hat is bendy!  His elbow joints are a little shallow, but I have a feeling the real Sergeant Slaughter wasn't so great at bending his elbow much either.  Look at those friggin' guns, man. 

Speaking of guns, he doesn't come with any, of course.  He's a wrestler!  He is packaged only with parts of a build-a-set wrestling ring.  It's okay, because Sergeant Slaughter is all about bludgeoning you with his bare meaty fists. 

In the end, maybe they were right about Slaughter being a Sun Tzu-level genius.  What more strategy do you need than jumping chin-first into the enemy with only sheer guts and a growl?  And that's a fact.