November 11th, 2007

Sly Sir

(no subject)

Shortpacked!@TNI: In the movie, they probably won't still be Vietnam vets. We hope.
Shortpacked!: Ethan's planograms are being published soon as a coffee table book.

I was worried for a while, with the Transformers movie being over and done with for the most part, that I was suddenly short an important well for ideas. Thankfully, the G.I. Joe movie is just starting to gear up, giving me a suitable and timely replacement. Even better, A Real American Hero fans are just like Transformers fans -- if Transformers fans were also sprinkled heavily with the crazy kind of Republican. So now not only are all the movie's changes-to-the-concept going to destroy the franchise forever, they're also going to let the terrorists win and signal the end of freedom blah blah blah, because the movie's done by evil, America-hating liberals from Hollyweird.

My cup runneth over.

To the left is 25th Anniversary Firefly. I guess he's important! For the longest time, I didn't really have much of an inkling that he even existed. Then 2002 brought us the modern revamp, and they started making multiple versions of this guy. Pretty weird, I thought, for an evil gray-camo Beachhead. I had no connection to the character. Sigma Six casting Howie Mandel in the part was no huge help, either.

It wasn't until a recent issue of America's Elite that I realized, Oh, so he's one of those Cobra Head Honchos who have an intimately-involved history with Snake-Eyes. See, in the Marvel Comics, Snake-Eyes is like Kevin Bacon. Everyone's run into him somehow, and had their lives forever changed, and they also became evil.

Baroness? She went to visit her brother in Vietnam, and he got into some accident and she thinsk it's Snake Eyes. So now she not only hates all Americans, but especially Snake-Eyes, because he happened to be around that day.

Cobra Commander? Snake-Eyes' family, including his twin sister, were on their way to pick him up from the airport after his tour in Vietnam was over, when they had a car accident with Cobra Commander's drunk-driving brother. Everyone died! Cobra Commander hates Snake-Eyes. Also: Freedom.

Storm Shadow? They served together in Vietnam, and later they belonged to the same ninja clan. They became "sword brothers" or whatever, and after their sensei was murdered, he joined Cobra to kill Zartan. Meanwhile, the two get to fight, because it's awesome.

And Firefly? Also from that same ninja clan! Cobra Commander hired him to kill Snake-Eyes, hoping to avenge his douche brother, but his sensei (the "Hard Master," snerk) took the arrow meant for Snake-Eyes. And then he framed Zartan.

Zartan? Really? They managed to drag him into this?

Seriously, it's ridiculous. Any moment we're going to find out that Snake-eyes is Destro's dad. Regardless, I have context for Firefly now. I know his deal. He's not just that evil gray-camo Beachhead anymore. (By the way, it's so amazing that he actually has a different head sculpt than 25th Beachhead. They're the same head, wearing the same sock! Hasbro beancounters must have been sleepin' at the wheel that day.) And he comes with a cellphone! It's an incredibly Eighties cellphone, since it's roughly the size of his noggin, but it's a recycled older accessory, so we'll forgive him. Sadly, he can't really hold it up to his ear or anything, as his elbows only bend ninety degrees. This is one dude who could have used some double-jointed elbow action. And unlike 2002 Destro, he doesn't have a pointing finger so he can yell into it angrily. A little disappointing!

He also has a gun that has a fold-out doohickey and a backpack that has little compartment that opens. Man, best review ever! "He comes with stuff!"

I dunno. I've got his context now, but I'm starting to wonder if I wish I didn't.